Prep groups or 'how I learned to think different'

First of all, in a slightly ‘scientific paper’ kind of way, I’m going to start with a conclusion: Prep groups rearrange your head.

This is telling, even in the way I have approached this blog post. I haven’t dashed it out straight onto the blogger straight after the groups finished. I’ve cogitated, processed, sketched out my thoughts, typed them out away from the browser...

...and still I was really unsure what to write and it is probably why it has taken me a while to write it. And this is the nub of taking part in the group. All the information we went through is, to all intents and purposes, available to us elsewhere. We could have read it online, bought the books (we have actually read pages and pages online and, ok, borrowed the books from the library) we could have had the discussions on Twitter.

But the shared experience with other couples face to face, the exercises that tapped deep into the soul, the worst-case scenario bluntness of some of the questions slowly started to evolve the way we thought about this process. I’m not going to go through the exercises and the discussions we took part in one by one, because I really don’t believe that is the essence of what we have taken away.  In the interests of not seeming so airy-fairy about this though, some things we think we learned:

During part of an exercise looking at uncertainties with adopted children, we discussed how difficult it can be to, for example, diagnose autism in a young child if they are on the lower end of the spectrum. As all the traits were read out, they could have been describing our birth son. In fact, not long after, we took part in a teacher consultation for our son where the words ‘special educational needs’ were mentioned for the first time. Although an issue, we are doing something about it, we have practical steps forward. It occurred to me that we are already quite used to dealing with uncertainties and, although they will probably be more extreme in an adopted child, it is just a matter of doing your best by your child and planning a route forward. Suddenly a whole world of scary stuff was demystified a little and, yes, perhaps we will be willing to consider some children that we weren’t before the prep group.

We were lucky to speak to a few adopters and foster carers and, would you believe it, they aren’t saints with degrees in child psychology. Who knew?  I know, I know, it’s easy to put these people on a pedestal (and also wonder if the people running the course are just showing you their ‘superstars’) but they came with warts and all and it was brilliant. We all started to believe, just a little bit, that we could do it too.

Finally, one of the most contentious discussions was that of birth family contact. If I’m honest, myself and my other half never really had a massive problem with contact. We both come from fairly ‘scattered’ origins. Since it was introduced by the social worker as something we would have to look into, we have got ourselves as comfortable as we could be with the idea. That’s not to say we were totally sold, we had just considered it as something we ‘had’ to do. What was fascinating was to see everyone go through the discussions, go through the exercises, question the adopters that came and come out realising how contact could be a positive thing, where appropriate. There were many ‘I had no idea!’ discussions in the coffee break after that one. ‘What, you mean the birth parents aren’t all monsters...’ etc.

Of course I have to mention the other people who are now sharing their own journey with us. A more fascinating, lovely, friendly bunch of people you couldn’t hope to meet. Taking them away as friends is one of the most important results of this group. A ready-made local support network.

Finally, while we wait for homestudy, we need to read, to talk, to discuss, to read some more, to google, to discuss a bit more...  We were shocked to learn that potential adopters could be halted in the process during homestudy for not being prepared enough. I must admit I was slightly self satisfied, however, to have already read some of the suggested list. My one and only bit of smugness, in my defence!

Well, then, are we prepared? Not completely. Our heads are in the right place, though, and we are prepared to be unprepared. We’ll be OK.

What the...?

Well, off I trundled to the GP, happy as a sandboy. As blogged before, I was going to sort out contraception. I thought it would be an interesting conversation as I was seeing the doctor who referred us to the infertility crowd.

I wasn't expecting my every motivation to be questioned! Clearly the GP couldn't understand why we would go for contraception and why we wouldn't 'keep both our options open' while we were going through the adoption process.

I tried to tell her that we had crossed that bridge and that this visit was part of that. I started to get frustrated and upset that she couldn't understand (she was saying things like 'well, do you want to spend the next 10 years using hormones?' and 'I have never met anyone who wanted to do something like this') and I think she thought that I was getting upset about not having a baby.

Anyway, she has given me my 'options' and wants me to come away and talk to hubby.  Who agreed with me that she just couldn't see where I was coming from.

I don't know if I could have explained any better, I don't think I'm doing a great job now. I tried to tell her that adoption is our path, we have accepted and embraced that and I want to close that other door now. It is fair on no-one in this process that we may 'accidentally' get pregnant.

Sigh.

Still, when it comes down to it, it is my choice. I will be calling back to arrange a new appointment but, whoah, I wasn't expecting that...

Time to ponder what is 'normal'

As we are waiting for our prep group dates (application for formal assessment posted, referees provided, passport photos sent) it seems to be time to start telling people what is going to be happening, as the opportunity arises.

These quiet opportunities occur haphazardly. I have told 'almost strangers' because the moment was right yet I have not had the chance to tell someone who I chat with every day and would consider to be a good friend. I quite like this slightly organic manner of letting the information escape, because it gives me chance to digest everyone's responses, and these have sometimes been surprising.

The response that sticks in my mind most, possibly because it has come from two people now, is '...but can't they find you a 'normal' one?' The conversation up to this point has usually gone like this:
1 - adoption is mentioned
2 - there is a rapid show of interest
3 - I am asked if we are looking for a newborn
4 - I tell them all about the process and the children that are looking for homes and their inevitable issues and how this means we have offered a place for a child up to 4 years old and that we are starting to prepare ourselves for their particular needs, which are likely to be different than other children...

...and this is when the 'normal' phrase came out, in both conversations.

It has made me stop and think, a lot.

Firstly, I'm not upset with these people, I'm taking the chance to explain, but it really brought it home to me that there is very little understanding of adoption and what it really means these days. Also, I'm quite aware that very few of these children could be considered 'typical' but branding them as abnormal really jars.

To be honest, under many definitions, our existing son is not 'normal' and, frankly, I like him just the way he is, but I do think that these days we are often too quick to define and pigeonhole.

And here is where I dither off in my thoughts, without a conclusion, just something to ponder - what is 'normal' and why is it so precious an ideal to people?

A little phone call!

It has been a while actually, but the phone call came and, as if there had been no third degree, we were told we were going forward and we would be invited to prep group held in January.

Well.. I say off we go to prep group, we have been told vaguely when it is but since then, we have received an envelope asking us to send some more forms so that we can go. Personal referees,etc. Even though we don't know when it will be. Not to worry. I will not question, I will do as I am told.

This weekend will be form filling then! And considering who to ask to be personal referees. The form says that at least three of them will be visited!  I didn't know that. Gosh.

Finally, referring back to a previous post, I have made my appointment with the doctor for the bizarre experience of going back onto some kind of contraception. Now that is going to be an interesting visit, since the doctor I have booked with was the one that referred us to infertility clinic. I wonder if she will want to know what happened?

Onwards and upwards!

Dear SW - We really, honestly, truly can afford it. Truly. Honestly.

'The team' had their initial visit meeting and loved us. Despite loving us, they have more questions.

Will hubby give up work?

What adoption leave pay will I get?

When will our IVA finish? (we told them this already)

We wrote our own detailed breakdown of finances for the report and, I believe, proved that we have enough money to cope even if they found us a match tomorrow. Frankly, by the time that IVA finishes we will be lucky to have been matched at all anyway. Get us through the system now and by the time it is all approved and we are ready, we will have more disposable income than we have ever seen. This isn't a maybe - it is an absolute date that is all legal and stuff...

I still think they are thinking that the woman is staying at home and the husband works, you know. We have planned that hubby takes the leave as he only works 16 hours and statutory pay is about the same.

<insert big sigh here> Oh... I *know* they have to dot every i and cross every t, but I want them to do it really understanding us. If they make an informed evaluation of the facts and decide we have to wait, OK - I've already said that I am happy to wait if I must. I just really worry that they are misunderstanding us and I want to be able to stand in front of them now and explain.

So, I wrote an email. I have read it several times now before sending - it is proofread beyond all reasonable doubt. It is considered and balanced and worthy of forwarding to anyone who is there to make a decision. There are no excessive exclamations, a lack of desperate pleading and a straightforward statement of the facts and our intentions. It is good. Is it enough?

I don't know. I have pressed 'send' and crossed my fingers.

Smiling...

We had our second meeting with our SW yesterday and we already have our first report back to read over in time for us to be 'discussed' at the team meeting next week.

What can I say? It is lovely, so lovely. She has written some very wonderful things about us, about our son - it is really positive stuff.  The finances were raised, but we have written our own report which has been included and her comments are that we appear to have this well under control.

Really, who else gets the chance for someone to come in and give you such an independent overview on how you are doing as parents?

I'm going to be smiling for ages...

First visit and a potential spanner in the works?

We had our first visit and, if I'm honest, it felt a bit like hubby and me were a bit of a double act. I've never had to talk about myself for so long and, by crikey, we do digress the pair of us...

It turns out that this is first visit part one, part two will come soon when the Social Worker will meet our son.

Was it what I was expecting? Probably, just a bit of a fact find on her part, trying to understand our motivations, whether we had really looked into all the options or not. We have to go away and write a bit of a history of our childhoods (convoluted, in both cases!) and email them over to her.

Did I mention that potential spanner? We knew that honesty had to be the best policy (assuming that getting 'found out in the end' on anything would always be worse than being upfront in the first place) so we immediately told the SW about our previous debt problems and that we are in the final stages of an IVA (takes deep breath - that was some major sharing with you all there!)

I'm not sure she knew what an IVA was, and I think it was the scary word 'insolvency' that might have done it, but she thought that the team would probably not recommend us to go forward if we had not completely finished it.

There were valid reasons for us getting to that situation, but this isn't an insolvency blog and, frankly, I'm going to have to write it up for the SW anyway, I'm not doing it twice!

We did go on to explain that, in actual fact, the IVA was the kick in the bum that we had needed to completely re-evaluate how we lived. We have regularly paid the money that we have owed over the last four years, not missing one payment, not getting behind on our mortgage. Instead of expensive days out we go on walks and train rides, do some baking or have movie nights in front of the TV. We budget properly, save up for things we want and actually feel that we have a better quality of life now. We have even embraced that wonder that is the £9.50 Sun caravan holiday and we love it!

We think we can prove that we have enough money each month to provide for an additional child and, anyway, the process is so long that we will either be out of the IVA by the time we get anywhere near matching, or be so close that it makes no odds. We do have to be prepared, however, for them to say "come back to us when it is finished" If that is what we have to do, then so be it.

Other than that, however, she said some really positive things about us as parents and as a family. While we described our son she said that he sounded very similar to some of the children that they have to place. He is a wonderful bright, sunny, kind boy but I have always wondered about some of his traits, that he may be on the very lower end of the autistic spectrum - without me voicing this the SW said the exact same thing. I am fascinated to see what she thinks when she meets him. She thought that this meant we already had a lot of the skills that would be required with some of the children that they have in care.

I haven't said this before, but I'm a bit of a blubber. Hopeless, in fact. I fully expected to be tearful today, I have been in the past when talking through adoption. In fact my only 'moment' was when we discussed how our son has dealt with the death of his grandfather just over a year ago. I thought that was probably forgiveable!

Spanner aside, then, a good meeting and a lovely SW, thank goodness. There may be more waiting than I was hoping for, but we are on the path finally.