And... whoosh.. it happens.

Last time I posted, we were in homestudy. We are still in homestudy. We thought we were in homestudy for a little while longer, then were prepared to reach panel some time later this year. We anticipated a little wait to be matched, but not too long, we keep being told how many children are waiting. Realistically, then, we were looking at introductions in the new year/spring.

At times, in the back of my mind, I even thought this was probably optimistic, as we are only now a little over a year since starting on this process. I thought we probably still had a lot more homestudy to do - exercises to work through, etc.

So, we are slightly surprised/taken aback/gobsmacked/amazed/thrilled that we are, apparently, now only weeks away from panel date. Even more jaw-dropping to us is that we had the extraordinary news that there is a real little person out there with an imaginary label on them saying 'Ours'. They want this little one to be with us as soon as possible (dammit, I want them with us as soon as possible) but we obviously have to go through the appropriate steps.

So here I am, one part of me waiting for it all to go horribly wrong and for something to get in the way, or for someone to say, 'Actually we decided you weren't quite the right family after all...'. The other part of me (after having some serious words with that other part and telling her not to be so defeatist) has already started to mentally catalogue all the toddler equipment and clothes we still have in storage. In fact, that part of me is already watching a pushchair on ebay, for shame...

Being slightly superstitious though, I'm not going to blog about this little one in detail just yet. I don't want to jinx anything.

On reflection, all these feelings aren't too different from the fears and worries and highs and excitement of being pregnant, as much as I can recall that. I remember wondering what I was going to think of our baby when I met him, what he was going to look like - and he wasn't anything like my expectations in the end! I should learn my lesson there.

Here we go, then. Off to panel. I will report... at some point...!

Oh, how we talked... and talked... and talked.

Finally. We started homestudy.

I'm not sure I can post in great detail about what the first session was like because we hit the 'massively personal' stuff square on. Oddly, though, far from feeling invaded, we relished the chance to talk and analyse, to reflect and project.

I don't know if ever two people seemed happier, talking about life the world and everything, it was totally self indulgent and very enjoyable.  I wasn't really expecting this! I was expecting angst and constant checking of how a traumatised child would be a world away from any of our experiences. In actual fact, we started to see that our experiences could actually help.

We were expecting more structure, perhaps, more of a checklist. What we got was a very, very, long chat over cups of tea. But, do you know?, I think that probably provided our SW with a far better picture of us, our personalities, our limitations, our experience.

I imagine the tough stuff is still to come, probably accompanied by tears! At least 10 more sessions, we think, probably more. But at least we are under way. I did a little happy dance about that.

A post about nothing

Because, nothing is what is happening! Still waiting for our homestudy dates although I hear tell that some of our peers from prep groups may have theirs... (pulls out 'hopeful face number 46')

In the meantime I have been reading, tweeting and reading some more. We have been getting the books out of the library as we didn't want to spend too much money on unecessary books and I had the intention of reviewing some of them on here. Trouble is, they go back to the library, we read more books, then I get muddled as to what was in which!  Lets say I will never make a satisfactory book reviewer...

We have also been telling a few people as we go along the way and they have all been very lovely so far!  We are also seeing friends who we told a while ago and the all start the conversation the same way 'So... how's the adoption thing going?' to which we inevitably answer 'slowly...'

Anyway, two months after prep groups here we sit. Fortunately we have plenty to be doing with a boisterous 8 year old in the house so we are not left to stew. Thankfully we are still very positive!

So, thats all about nothing from me. Here is hoping I get to blog about something more concrete soon.

Prep groups or 'how I learned to think different'

First of all, in a slightly ‘scientific paper’ kind of way, I’m going to start with a conclusion: Prep groups rearrange your head.

This is telling, even in the way I have approached this blog post. I haven’t dashed it out straight onto the blogger straight after the groups finished. I’ve cogitated, processed, sketched out my thoughts, typed them out away from the browser...

...and still I was really unsure what to write and it is probably why it has taken me a while to write it. And this is the nub of taking part in the group. All the information we went through is, to all intents and purposes, available to us elsewhere. We could have read it online, bought the books (we have actually read pages and pages online and, ok, borrowed the books from the library) we could have had the discussions on Twitter.

But the shared experience with other couples face to face, the exercises that tapped deep into the soul, the worst-case scenario bluntness of some of the questions slowly started to evolve the way we thought about this process. I’m not going to go through the exercises and the discussions we took part in one by one, because I really don’t believe that is the essence of what we have taken away.  In the interests of not seeming so airy-fairy about this though, some things we think we learned:

During part of an exercise looking at uncertainties with adopted children, we discussed how difficult it can be to, for example, diagnose autism in a young child if they are on the lower end of the spectrum. As all the traits were read out, they could have been describing our birth son. In fact, not long after, we took part in a teacher consultation for our son where the words ‘special educational needs’ were mentioned for the first time. Although an issue, we are doing something about it, we have practical steps forward. It occurred to me that we are already quite used to dealing with uncertainties and, although they will probably be more extreme in an adopted child, it is just a matter of doing your best by your child and planning a route forward. Suddenly a whole world of scary stuff was demystified a little and, yes, perhaps we will be willing to consider some children that we weren’t before the prep group.

We were lucky to speak to a few adopters and foster carers and, would you believe it, they aren’t saints with degrees in child psychology. Who knew?  I know, I know, it’s easy to put these people on a pedestal (and also wonder if the people running the course are just showing you their ‘superstars’) but they came with warts and all and it was brilliant. We all started to believe, just a little bit, that we could do it too.

Finally, one of the most contentious discussions was that of birth family contact. If I’m honest, myself and my other half never really had a massive problem with contact. We both come from fairly ‘scattered’ origins. Since it was introduced by the social worker as something we would have to look into, we have got ourselves as comfortable as we could be with the idea. That’s not to say we were totally sold, we had just considered it as something we ‘had’ to do. What was fascinating was to see everyone go through the discussions, go through the exercises, question the adopters that came and come out realising how contact could be a positive thing, where appropriate. There were many ‘I had no idea!’ discussions in the coffee break after that one. ‘What, you mean the birth parents aren’t all monsters...’ etc.

Of course I have to mention the other people who are now sharing their own journey with us. A more fascinating, lovely, friendly bunch of people you couldn’t hope to meet. Taking them away as friends is one of the most important results of this group. A ready-made local support network.

Finally, while we wait for homestudy, we need to read, to talk, to discuss, to read some more, to google, to discuss a bit more...  We were shocked to learn that potential adopters could be halted in the process during homestudy for not being prepared enough. I must admit I was slightly self satisfied, however, to have already read some of the suggested list. My one and only bit of smugness, in my defence!

Well, then, are we prepared? Not completely. Our heads are in the right place, though, and we are prepared to be unprepared. We’ll be OK.

What the...?

Well, off I trundled to the GP, happy as a sandboy. As blogged before, I was going to sort out contraception. I thought it would be an interesting conversation as I was seeing the doctor who referred us to the infertility crowd.

I wasn't expecting my every motivation to be questioned! Clearly the GP couldn't understand why we would go for contraception and why we wouldn't 'keep both our options open' while we were going through the adoption process.

I tried to tell her that we had crossed that bridge and that this visit was part of that. I started to get frustrated and upset that she couldn't understand (she was saying things like 'well, do you want to spend the next 10 years using hormones?' and 'I have never met anyone who wanted to do something like this') and I think she thought that I was getting upset about not having a baby.

Anyway, she has given me my 'options' and wants me to come away and talk to hubby.  Who agreed with me that she just couldn't see where I was coming from.

I don't know if I could have explained any better, I don't think I'm doing a great job now. I tried to tell her that adoption is our path, we have accepted and embraced that and I want to close that other door now. It is fair on no-one in this process that we may 'accidentally' get pregnant.

Sigh.

Still, when it comes down to it, it is my choice. I will be calling back to arrange a new appointment but, whoah, I wasn't expecting that...

Time to ponder what is 'normal'

As we are waiting for our prep group dates (application for formal assessment posted, referees provided, passport photos sent) it seems to be time to start telling people what is going to be happening, as the opportunity arises.

These quiet opportunities occur haphazardly. I have told 'almost strangers' because the moment was right yet I have not had the chance to tell someone who I chat with every day and would consider to be a good friend. I quite like this slightly organic manner of letting the information escape, because it gives me chance to digest everyone's responses, and these have sometimes been surprising.

The response that sticks in my mind most, possibly because it has come from two people now, is '...but can't they find you a 'normal' one?' The conversation up to this point has usually gone like this:
1 - adoption is mentioned
2 - there is a rapid show of interest
3 - I am asked if we are looking for a newborn
4 - I tell them all about the process and the children that are looking for homes and their inevitable issues and how this means we have offered a place for a child up to 4 years old and that we are starting to prepare ourselves for their particular needs, which are likely to be different than other children...

...and this is when the 'normal' phrase came out, in both conversations.

It has made me stop and think, a lot.

Firstly, I'm not upset with these people, I'm taking the chance to explain, but it really brought it home to me that there is very little understanding of adoption and what it really means these days. Also, I'm quite aware that very few of these children could be considered 'typical' but branding them as abnormal really jars.

To be honest, under many definitions, our existing son is not 'normal' and, frankly, I like him just the way he is, but I do think that these days we are often too quick to define and pigeonhole.

And here is where I dither off in my thoughts, without a conclusion, just something to ponder - what is 'normal' and why is it so precious an ideal to people?

A little phone call!

It has been a while actually, but the phone call came and, as if there had been no third degree, we were told we were going forward and we would be invited to prep group held in January.

Well.. I say off we go to prep group, we have been told vaguely when it is but since then, we have received an envelope asking us to send some more forms so that we can go. Personal referees,etc. Even though we don't know when it will be. Not to worry. I will not question, I will do as I am told.

This weekend will be form filling then! And considering who to ask to be personal referees. The form says that at least three of them will be visited!  I didn't know that. Gosh.

Finally, referring back to a previous post, I have made my appointment with the doctor for the bizarre experience of going back onto some kind of contraception. Now that is going to be an interesting visit, since the doctor I have booked with was the one that referred us to infertility clinic. I wonder if she will want to know what happened?

Onwards and upwards!