As we are waiting for our prep group dates (application for formal assessment posted, referees provided, passport photos sent) it seems to be time to start telling people what is going to be happening, as the opportunity arises.
These quiet opportunities occur haphazardly. I have told 'almost strangers' because the moment was right yet I have not had the chance to tell someone who I chat with every day and would consider to be a good friend. I quite like this slightly organic manner of letting the information escape, because it gives me chance to digest everyone's responses, and these have sometimes been surprising.
The response that sticks in my mind most, possibly because it has come from two people now, is '...but can't they find you a 'normal' one?' The conversation up to this point has usually gone like this:
1 - adoption is mentioned
2 - there is a rapid show of interest
3 - I am asked if we are looking for a newborn
4 - I tell them all about the process and the children that are looking for homes and their inevitable issues and how this means we have offered a place for a child up to 4 years old and that we are starting to prepare ourselves for their particular needs, which are likely to be different than other children...
...and this is when the 'normal' phrase came out, in both conversations.
It has made me stop and think, a lot.
Firstly, I'm not upset with these people, I'm taking the chance to explain, but it really brought it home to me that there is very little understanding of adoption and what it really means these days. Also, I'm quite aware that very few of these children could be considered 'typical' but branding them as abnormal really jars.
To be honest, under many definitions, our existing son is not 'normal' and, frankly, I like him just the way he is, but I do think that these days we are often too quick to define and pigeonhole.
And here is where I dither off in my thoughts, without a conclusion, just something to ponder - what is 'normal' and why is it so precious an ideal to people?
This has brought back so many memories for me. Our adopted children are not "normal" as they have so much to process - whether they are a new born or an older child - regardless of their age they WILL have issues and trauma's to deal with at some stage.
ReplyDelete"Abnormal" is the condition/s which led them to being adopted in the first place e.g. would a "normal" family abuse their child sexually or mentally? Would a "normal" mother or father insist on continuing to take class A drugs to the point that they can't parent their own child and therefore had them taken into care? Would a "normal" child witness their parents shoplifting to be able to have their next fix or witness a parent having sex in front of them or seeing one of their parents overdosing on drugs?? That's abnormal and through no fault of their own these poor children then have to endure a Foster Family and hope, sometimes for a very long time that there is a Forever Family out there for them - somewhere!
Sometimes the only way to answer these people with such questions is to shock them with graphic detail! It works - believe me - it works!
The thing that got me most througour adoption journey and still does as people still say it almost a year after our placement is with a bit of love he will be fine, I have threatened to slap someone when a few months after our son came home and we were having a very difficult tim they said it to me I normally manage to grit my teeth and smile!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI have to say I never ever give any details of my son's backround to anybody as I feel it is his backround and not mine to share with anyone else, I just keep it to tthe fact that he had a very tramatic 1st 5 yrs.
Ah!The joys of adoption! So right not to give details of adoption, like your style!There is no 'normal' in adoption.
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