What the...?

Well, off I trundled to the GP, happy as a sandboy. As blogged before, I was going to sort out contraception. I thought it would be an interesting conversation as I was seeing the doctor who referred us to the infertility crowd.

I wasn't expecting my every motivation to be questioned! Clearly the GP couldn't understand why we would go for contraception and why we wouldn't 'keep both our options open' while we were going through the adoption process.

I tried to tell her that we had crossed that bridge and that this visit was part of that. I started to get frustrated and upset that she couldn't understand (she was saying things like 'well, do you want to spend the next 10 years using hormones?' and 'I have never met anyone who wanted to do something like this') and I think she thought that I was getting upset about not having a baby.

Anyway, she has given me my 'options' and wants me to come away and talk to hubby.  Who agreed with me that she just couldn't see where I was coming from.

I don't know if I could have explained any better, I don't think I'm doing a great job now. I tried to tell her that adoption is our path, we have accepted and embraced that and I want to close that other door now. It is fair on no-one in this process that we may 'accidentally' get pregnant.

Sigh.

Still, when it comes down to it, it is my choice. I will be calling back to arrange a new appointment but, whoah, I wasn't expecting that...

Time to ponder what is 'normal'

As we are waiting for our prep group dates (application for formal assessment posted, referees provided, passport photos sent) it seems to be time to start telling people what is going to be happening, as the opportunity arises.

These quiet opportunities occur haphazardly. I have told 'almost strangers' because the moment was right yet I have not had the chance to tell someone who I chat with every day and would consider to be a good friend. I quite like this slightly organic manner of letting the information escape, because it gives me chance to digest everyone's responses, and these have sometimes been surprising.

The response that sticks in my mind most, possibly because it has come from two people now, is '...but can't they find you a 'normal' one?' The conversation up to this point has usually gone like this:
1 - adoption is mentioned
2 - there is a rapid show of interest
3 - I am asked if we are looking for a newborn
4 - I tell them all about the process and the children that are looking for homes and their inevitable issues and how this means we have offered a place for a child up to 4 years old and that we are starting to prepare ourselves for their particular needs, which are likely to be different than other children...

...and this is when the 'normal' phrase came out, in both conversations.

It has made me stop and think, a lot.

Firstly, I'm not upset with these people, I'm taking the chance to explain, but it really brought it home to me that there is very little understanding of adoption and what it really means these days. Also, I'm quite aware that very few of these children could be considered 'typical' but branding them as abnormal really jars.

To be honest, under many definitions, our existing son is not 'normal' and, frankly, I like him just the way he is, but I do think that these days we are often too quick to define and pigeonhole.

And here is where I dither off in my thoughts, without a conclusion, just something to ponder - what is 'normal' and why is it so precious an ideal to people?

A little phone call!

It has been a while actually, but the phone call came and, as if there had been no third degree, we were told we were going forward and we would be invited to prep group held in January.

Well.. I say off we go to prep group, we have been told vaguely when it is but since then, we have received an envelope asking us to send some more forms so that we can go. Personal referees,etc. Even though we don't know when it will be. Not to worry. I will not question, I will do as I am told.

This weekend will be form filling then! And considering who to ask to be personal referees. The form says that at least three of them will be visited!  I didn't know that. Gosh.

Finally, referring back to a previous post, I have made my appointment with the doctor for the bizarre experience of going back onto some kind of contraception. Now that is going to be an interesting visit, since the doctor I have booked with was the one that referred us to infertility clinic. I wonder if she will want to know what happened?

Onwards and upwards!

Dear SW - We really, honestly, truly can afford it. Truly. Honestly.

'The team' had their initial visit meeting and loved us. Despite loving us, they have more questions.

Will hubby give up work?

What adoption leave pay will I get?

When will our IVA finish? (we told them this already)

We wrote our own detailed breakdown of finances for the report and, I believe, proved that we have enough money to cope even if they found us a match tomorrow. Frankly, by the time that IVA finishes we will be lucky to have been matched at all anyway. Get us through the system now and by the time it is all approved and we are ready, we will have more disposable income than we have ever seen. This isn't a maybe - it is an absolute date that is all legal and stuff...

I still think they are thinking that the woman is staying at home and the husband works, you know. We have planned that hubby takes the leave as he only works 16 hours and statutory pay is about the same.

<insert big sigh here> Oh... I *know* they have to dot every i and cross every t, but I want them to do it really understanding us. If they make an informed evaluation of the facts and decide we have to wait, OK - I've already said that I am happy to wait if I must. I just really worry that they are misunderstanding us and I want to be able to stand in front of them now and explain.

So, I wrote an email. I have read it several times now before sending - it is proofread beyond all reasonable doubt. It is considered and balanced and worthy of forwarding to anyone who is there to make a decision. There are no excessive exclamations, a lack of desperate pleading and a straightforward statement of the facts and our intentions. It is good. Is it enough?

I don't know. I have pressed 'send' and crossed my fingers.

Smiling...

We had our second meeting with our SW yesterday and we already have our first report back to read over in time for us to be 'discussed' at the team meeting next week.

What can I say? It is lovely, so lovely. She has written some very wonderful things about us, about our son - it is really positive stuff.  The finances were raised, but we have written our own report which has been included and her comments are that we appear to have this well under control.

Really, who else gets the chance for someone to come in and give you such an independent overview on how you are doing as parents?

I'm going to be smiling for ages...

First visit and a potential spanner in the works?

We had our first visit and, if I'm honest, it felt a bit like hubby and me were a bit of a double act. I've never had to talk about myself for so long and, by crikey, we do digress the pair of us...

It turns out that this is first visit part one, part two will come soon when the Social Worker will meet our son.

Was it what I was expecting? Probably, just a bit of a fact find on her part, trying to understand our motivations, whether we had really looked into all the options or not. We have to go away and write a bit of a history of our childhoods (convoluted, in both cases!) and email them over to her.

Did I mention that potential spanner? We knew that honesty had to be the best policy (assuming that getting 'found out in the end' on anything would always be worse than being upfront in the first place) so we immediately told the SW about our previous debt problems and that we are in the final stages of an IVA (takes deep breath - that was some major sharing with you all there!)

I'm not sure she knew what an IVA was, and I think it was the scary word 'insolvency' that might have done it, but she thought that the team would probably not recommend us to go forward if we had not completely finished it.

There were valid reasons for us getting to that situation, but this isn't an insolvency blog and, frankly, I'm going to have to write it up for the SW anyway, I'm not doing it twice!

We did go on to explain that, in actual fact, the IVA was the kick in the bum that we had needed to completely re-evaluate how we lived. We have regularly paid the money that we have owed over the last four years, not missing one payment, not getting behind on our mortgage. Instead of expensive days out we go on walks and train rides, do some baking or have movie nights in front of the TV. We budget properly, save up for things we want and actually feel that we have a better quality of life now. We have even embraced that wonder that is the £9.50 Sun caravan holiday and we love it!

We think we can prove that we have enough money each month to provide for an additional child and, anyway, the process is so long that we will either be out of the IVA by the time we get anywhere near matching, or be so close that it makes no odds. We do have to be prepared, however, for them to say "come back to us when it is finished" If that is what we have to do, then so be it.

Other than that, however, she said some really positive things about us as parents and as a family. While we described our son she said that he sounded very similar to some of the children that they have to place. He is a wonderful bright, sunny, kind boy but I have always wondered about some of his traits, that he may be on the very lower end of the autistic spectrum - without me voicing this the SW said the exact same thing. I am fascinated to see what she thinks when she meets him. She thought that this meant we already had a lot of the skills that would be required with some of the children that they have in care.

I haven't said this before, but I'm a bit of a blubber. Hopeless, in fact. I fully expected to be tearful today, I have been in the past when talking through adoption. In fact my only 'moment' was when we discussed how our son has dealt with the death of his grandfather just over a year ago. I thought that was probably forgiveable!

Spanner aside, then, a good meeting and a lovely SW, thank goodness. There may be more waiting than I was hoping for, but we are on the path finally.

What was I saying about waiting...?

That'll teach me.  All settled in for a nice long wait until after Christmas for our first Social Worker visit and... BOOM! Appointment for next week!

Already anxiety over what I say and how I say it has set in. While settling on a time for the meeting (could take up to four hours apparently?) I said that I didn't need to check with Hubby, I knew he would be in because "...he is the Mum" - it is a bit of an in joke in our house that he phoned someone up once and said "Hello, it's xxxx's Mum".

Now I'm worried whether I should have said it like that to the Social Worker before she has even met us! There was a bit of a gap after which she then said 'Oh he is going to stay at home, is he?' which makes me wonder if she has read our forms yet and perhaps doesn't know of the existance of Son.

Anyway, roll on next week and four hours of laying out our very souls for examination!

It's National Adoption Week!

There is some great press getting out there for National Adoption Week and I have been able to read some inspiring stories. I thought I should blog during such an important week, but blog what?

We are waiting, waiting, waiting, not even on the first rung, what could I possibly blog about? Then the lovely Twitterette @jinxi1 suggested some eminently sensible topics and it came to me that a summary of even such a short time as a prospective adopter would be useful. After all, it is becoming clear to me that 'waiting' is the very essence of the adoption process for a while!

So where is my head at? We ran full tilt at the process as soon as we knew it was something we wanted to consider and now it feels a bit like running through glue. The rest of the blog lays it out but to cut a long story short we have filled in our first forms and are waiting for our first visit. It isn't likely to happen for a few months. Surprisingly, though, I don't feel that frustrated any more. Instead, I feel a bit like you do when you leave your most favourite food until last, just to eke out the anticipation.

I apologise if you think that comparing a child that needs a home with a plate of food is somehow wrong, but what I'm trying to get across is that I know that there is potentially the most wonderful experience over there on the horizon and it's nice just to look at it for a while before I start moving towards it.

You can, of course, remind me I said this when I'm having a rant in a few months, by the way.

It isn't my head alone that I am talking about either. There is my wonderful, patient, caring hubby - already a fantastic stay at home Dad to our 7 year old son. I know that the two of them are going to deal with it just fine, as I have witnessed this conversation between them:

Son: 'lets talk about adopting a brother or sister'
Hubby: 'well, you know it might take a while, don't you, years even - it's not like going down to the supermarket where they have bar codes on their bums - "bleep - £10.99 please"'
Son: (much giggling)
Hubby: (mimes waving children at a barcode scanner a bit more, with slightly more frantic sound effects)
Son: (now actually laughing out loud) 'no... it's not like that'

There is also a wider circle (not that wide just yet) of people who we have told of our plans. There has been no rhyme or reason involved in who we have told and when, just the right time, place... Perhaps this is why those few people have been wonderful, they are getting excited for us, with us. They realise we are sharing something very special with them.

So, we are ready to wait, because we can see the amazing stories of other adopters unfolding before us and we can only hope that ours will become an amazing story too.

And we have a timescale at last!

Firstly, I want to say how much it means to follow everyone's comments and Tweets. I have even been put in touch with a local adopter and spent a good while on the phone to them - it means a lot to be able to talk to people that have or are experiencing adoption. We have told a few people in our own circle now and they tend to use words like 'brave', 'noble' and 'admirable' - I'm glad they think so well of us but, really, I just want it to be normal. And, if I'm honest, I want to be able to have a little bitch about it now and again without feeling like I'm scratching some halo that has been placed on me.

I followed the advice from several of you and phoned the agency. I have to admit I used my son as an excuse (not very 'noble', eh?) and said that since we had discussed the adoption process with him, he was very excited and I wanted to be able to manage his expectations. I didn't want to hold them to any dates, but just wanted an understanding of the likely timescales. They were lovely. As it happens, then, they hope to get our first assessment done in the New Year, all being well get us to prep course by Easter and we should then expect home study in the summer.

I think that this is, therefore, another lesson to note down. Stop fannying about and just talk to someone and then problems that my overworked mind has built up suddenly become trivial.

Sorted.

Waiting... and a dilemma.

We are still waiting for contact from social workers to be allocated our first home visit. The twitterverse has told me that I should keep on them, so I probably will...

...in the meantime I'm batting a little dilemma around my head. On the joyous merry-go-round that was our fertility referral, they pretty much couldn't come up with much of a reason as to why we hadn't fallen pregnant again. There was particular scratching of heads as we had our son with no intervention, or any great delay in conception after the decision to 'go for it'. It's a little more convoluted than that (and involved some delightful tests, some of which were rather... chilly) but the upshot is that it is not outside the realms of possibility that I could still fall pregnant.

OK... it's pretty unlikely, after four years of trying, but it is possible. The dilemma is that to commit fully to the adoption process, I am going to have to head back to the doctors and talk about contraception. 

It really is such a minor thing, I imagine many people would think 'so what?' but one part of my head still thinks that the 'next time' could be the one. No matter how much I have embraced the thought of adoption, there is still this sneaky other voice telling me to delay that visit before I lock and bolt that door forever.

The sensible voice has put her foot down, though, and I have come to a compromise with myself. I'm waiting for the first appointment, waiting for them to tell us that they will continue with our application. Once they make that commitment to us, then I have to reciprocate.

Anyway, if I have to make that visit to the surgery, I will enjoy telling the doctor how rubbish the fertility clinic has been, I'm sure that she will appreciate that feedback if she is sending other couples (we were the first she had sent under some 'new rules').

Finally, I promise not to talk about voices in my head again - you never know when the social worker might be looking...

And so... we wait...

Wee received our first letter this week from the powers that be. They thank us for our completed forms however are sorry that they cannot allocate a social worker at this time. They will call us as soon as they can.

Cue raised eyebrows, reading of the back of the sheet to make sure we hadn't missed anything...

I understand that they are stretched and that we can't expect a social worker to turn up on the doorstep overnight, but there was not a hint of timescale to that response.  I don't know (I suspect) it is just a form letter sent out to everyone, perhaps they don't know the timescale themselves, but it leaves us in limbo and I imagine it is a taster of things to come.

I was pretty fed up. Then babies were brought in at work and I was more fed up. Then a friend finally had her baby and I was happy for her (then quietly fed up). I got on with my day being grumpy and then had a peek at Twitter. There was a lovely post by @adopting_dad talking about going to court and his adoption finally becoming 'official' today. It truly warmed the cockles... and I felt much better.

Lesson for this evening, then, is try to look at the bigger picture and focus on the prize (if you will excuse my buzzword bingo) - but I'm not promising I won't be fed up again some time soon.

Is that a learning curve I see before me?

Today I have been doing some reading about adoption and preparing siblings. And the reading has led to book lists and the lists to recommendations and podcasts and other blogs and... and... and...

A little while ago I had started to ask myself how our birth son (who is 7) would deal with a younger sibling, I was trying to come up with answers to any questions he might have before we spoke to him about it. I'm a bit of a detail person and, before long, I had started to stress the other way about how a new small person would deal with how many photos we have of our son, how many stories about him as a baby, about the family tree I have researched with him at the bottom of it. Every issue raised a question, every question an issue. At that stage we had only been to the information session and there I was tying myself in knots!

To be honest, I needn't have worried about him. In a bit of quiet time we had a little chat and he was beside himself with excitement, even talking about how when they were all grown up they would still be the best of friends.

But of course that started me off thinking about how we have to prepare him for it not to be easy, to talk about how they might be scared, or angry. And off I went on the merry go round of questions, issues, etc.

Which leads me to today, and the reading leading to more reading and more questions, etc.

So, I have come to a conclusion that I may as well accept that it is going to be a VERY steep learning curve, and I'm going to try not to sweat the stuff I don't need to sweat about just yet. And to try to take on board my son's attitude that it's quite an exciting adventure, actually, and imagine that future when they are grown up and best mates, just as he can see it now.

A glimpse of the future...

Having turned our back on the farce that was our fertility referral some six months ago, with a great deal of satisfaction I might add, we got to the end of the summer ready to look at adoption. Actually, I say ready to look at, but there hadn't actually been that much discussion between hubby and I up to this point. Beyond the odd statement such as 'adoption seems far more worthwhile than carrying on with this crap' anyway...

I had bounced around a few web pages, read a few blogs, read everything we had been asked to read before contacting our local council agency.  I built up so much nerve to call, then I wasn't able to speak to a social worker when I did. After that, we had a rather prolonged game of telephone tag, until I finally managed to speak to a lovely social worker.

I must admit, I wasn't really expecting such deep questioning so early on (I now realise it is a small taster of what is to come!) and the main point she seemed to be trying to get across was that these children all come with issues.  I answered that of course I appreciated that, but it wasn't until reflecting on the conversation later that I can see that I probably did realise it in passing, but preferred to hold on to my nice comforting fluffy vision of a small happy child meeting me and shouting 'mummy!'

Anyway, we had to be sent a pack before we could enrol ourselves on the information evening. The pack only told me what I had been told to read already online - but again I think this is probably just a fair warning of the very defined process that we have now set ourselves on...!

So, the information meeting. What was I expecting? Well, probably another rehash of the information read online and sent in the pack, I guess. What I didn't expect was what a powerful meeting it would be. In a very quiet, pulling-no-punches, presentation the social workers and adopters had me on the verge of tears several times as I realised what a terrifying, amazing, life changing thing we were about to commit to. It also made me even more angry about our previous (and, ironically, so sterile) meetings with the fertility crowd. But I have been there already in this blog and I don't need to go back!

Having not said much before, or during, hubby came out with fire in his belly. I could see a real passion there for the process and what it could mean to our little family. We were practically bouncing around the car on the way home and were still buzzing for some time after.

We left ourselves a week to reflect before sitting down together last night and filling in our first forms, telling them we want to go ahead and hopefully get our first home visit. The envelope is sitting out in hall waiting to go tomorrow, it's all I can do not to drive it over there and post it by hand...

So, happy thoughts tonight - helped by seeing some adopters on Twitter reach some serious milestones in the past couple of days.

I am not a number...

I need to give you the low down on how we got here. So, quickly, a little bit about us.

We had our little boy in our early thirties and around four years ago, when he was three, decided to try for another. For whatever reason it didn't happen and 18 months ago we took our first visit to the GP. Many mixed messages later, we were referred and set upon the path to IVF. Well, that's what they assumed anyway. It didn't appear that anyone could see any other option. It was a case of 'set desperate couple on the conveyor belt to the clinic and everyone is happy'.

We went to the clinic. We marvelled at the beautiful surroundings, the hushed elegance, the expensive cakes with tea. We paid rather more attention to the facts and figures and came to the conclusion that we would be parting with an unspecified (fees can go up as well as up!) amount of money for something that was, statistically, probably not going to work. We said no.

The powers that be were surprised. Confused, even. Offered small possibilities of this or that with little confidence and then, clearly, didn't know what to do with us.

We found our own way to the adoption agency, made our own enquiries, found our own contacts. The more I looked into the possibilities, the angrier I got with the fertility process. I wondered why adoption had never been given a fighting chance back at the beginning, why it was always the consolation prize when all else had failed? Why were we not given all the information at the start so that we could make a decision between the two then?

Don't get me wrong, I know we are lucky, that we have our little boy and others have no children - that for them IVF is the right option. But what if it isn't? Where do they get to make their choice when the medical juggernaut is pounding down the road to the clinic?

Anyway, rant over. I'm glad that I am so sure that we are taking the right step now. As always, I hope that this blog will chart a positive story.

A bit about why I am blogging

For many reasons, which I will undoubtedly unload here in this blog, my partner and I have decided to pursue adoption.

We are very early in the process, even titling this blog 'Diary of an Adoption' gave me a little pause for thought. It seemed a bit... presumptuous.  I have decided to adjust my mindset and think of it as a positive mental attitude. This adoption is going to happen. It's going to be scary and fascinating and confusing and emotional, but we are going to make it happen.

I decided to blog about it because, even so early in the process, I have come up with the most random questions, thoughts and worries in the middle of the night. I'm sure I'm not alone, but some thoughts seem too silly to pick up the phone and mention to a social worker. It was during one of these interrupted nights that I decided to blog. If nothing else it will get thoughts out of my head and onto the page and it might even be of help to others. Anyway, here I am. Pleased to meet you.

In the interests of disclosure this has to be an anonymous blog for the sake of my family and my future family. I hope you understand.